The first edition of the “Letter to My Father” workshop took place on December 12th in Montreal. 12 participants gathered in a cosy and intimate space to learn more about the father wound and the many ways it can manifest in women’s lives. From low self-esteem, dysfunctional relationships, fear of abandonment, and self-sabotage, fatherlessness can take many forms in women’s lives and influences their choices both in their romantic and professional lives. This transformative evening was organized in three phases.

The first one was centered around connection. Because of the sensitive nature of this topic, participants need to feel safe in order to be open to share and learn from everyone’s stories. We’ve set up a lovely herbal tea bar with a large variety of botanical blends focused on feelings with names such as “Divine Feminine”, “Relax & Breathe”, or “Sleep Well”. This allowed participants to chat and get to know one another over a cup of tea before the beginning of the workshop.

The second phase was all about learning. Participants gathered in circle and I started with an introduction of my work as a holistic health practitioner and writer, and shared my personal story of fatherlessness. This workshop is the result of many years of inner work to un-learn old patterns, build my self-worth, reprogram my belief system, and heal my relationships with men after losing my dad at a young age. Sharing my “why” and the reason why I do what I do is essential because it allows me to stay aligned with my purpose, and helps participants know me better and, maybe, feel safer.

After my introduction, all participants shared a little bit about themselves and their stories. It was fascinating to witness the many similarities between the stories, and how the the father wound equally affects women who lost their dads due to tragic circumstances such as death and those whose fathers were emotionally absent, or no longer involved in their lives after their parents’ divorce. I remember something a participant said that really struck me:

I saw a reflection of myself in each of you. I discovered wounds and patterns I wasn’t even aware of by listening to everyone’s stories. We are like mirrors.

Then we dived deep into the workshop’s topic with a presentation titled “Understanding the Father Wound”. We explored different aspects of fatherlessness including the definition, the circumstances that lead to it, and the emotional consequences of a father’s physical and emotional absence in a woman’s life also known as the Fatherless Daughter Syndrome. One of the highlights of this presentation was learning about the subtle nuances of the Fatherless Daughter Syndrome depending on how the loss occurred. For instance, women whose dads died tend to feel more sadness and grief, and sometimes put their father on a pedestal. While women whose fathers were emotionally absent feel more confusion and feelings of unworthiness. However, what I’ve noticed through my work, research, and the testimonials of hundreds of women is that the common symptom among fatherless daughters regardless of the circumstances is the feeling of abandonment.

During the presentation, participants were invited to share their thoughts and how the points we’ve discussed applied to their situation. It was probably the most emotional time of the workshop because it brought back difficult childhood memories in some participants, but it also brought a sense of clarity and the knowing that nothing was ever wrong with them. Something I tell the women I work with all the time is: “Your trauma is not your fault. But healing is your responsibility”. And it starts with doing the work. Being part of a community of women with similar journeys, who are holding space for one another to share and release, is essential for the healing of the fatherless daughter.

The third phase was all about going inward. I did a guided open-heart meditation to help participants tap into their subconscious minds and return to when their father wound happened. Meditation is a powerful tool for fatherless daughters to access past memories, limited beliefs, and connect to their inner child: the young girl living inside of you waiting to be loved, seen, supported, and accepted by her father. The one we carry with us throughout our life and often influences our choices as long as we are not healed. The inner child is the part of ourselves that we need to heal, comfort, soothe, and protect. Because when she is healed, so are we. Making choices from a place of wholeness instead of brokenness is how you know when you are healed.

After the meditation, we did the Post-It Therapy, a mindfulness exercice I developed inspired by Design thinking and Dr. James Gordon’s integrative approach to overcoming psychological trauma. During the exercice, participants were asked to write or draw whatever came up during the meditation and represents how they’ve felt after their father wound occurred. By naming or drawing our trauma, it no longer lives inside of us. We can see it and detach from it. The other part of this exercice consisted of projecting themselves: ‘How will I feel when I am healed?’ ‘What is the first step to get there?’ were some of the questions participants had to answer and stick their notes to the board.

The word that came up the most in the section where participants were asked how they’ve felt when their father wound occurred is “Anger” and how they’d feel when they are healed is “Whole”. I think it’s really fascinating and sums up what this work is all about: finding our way back to our authentic and whole selves. Before the trauma, loss, or heartbreak happened. Before we were taught to believe that we are not enough.

We’ve discussed what participants shared on the notes and how to tap into their ‘healed self’ to release negative patterns and make healthier choices. This exercice brought clarity to participants and served as a foundation for the writing workshop that followed.

The fourth and final phase was the writing workshop where participants were asked to write a letter to their fathers. By following the prompts provided, they were able to find the words to express how they’ve felt, release feelings of anger, confusion or resentment, and tell their fathers what they’ve always wanted to tell them but never had the chance or courage to. The calming and high-vibrational atmosphere of the studio facilitated the writing workshop: low lights, relaxing meditation music, and the soothing smell of incense.

At the end of the writing workshop, we had our last sharing circle where all participants shared how the whole process of writing was. For some of them, the feelings that emerged when writing the letter made them realize that there is still a lot of healing work to do. For others, it made them feel more compassionate towards their dads as they now see their actions from a different perspective. And for most of them, there was a sense of release, belonging and acceptance. This is what this workshop is all about: helping fatherless daughters, regardless of their circumstances, start their healing journey as part of a community. This is a dream come true, the kind of space I needed when I was younger. But maybe a part of the mystery of life is creating what you wish existed.

Photography: Rose Napoleon (Napoleon Communications)

Space: Haven Creative Studio